Suggested revisions
Edit
for patterns of wordiness
1. Delete redundant modifiers
a. In this
modern world of today, we must necessarily project ahead in
planning for the
future.
a.In
today’s world, we must plan for the future.
b. He referred back to the notes
he had taken during the meeting.
b. He referred to
the notes he had taken during the meeting.
or
He referred to his meeting notes.
c. We
offer complimentary gift wrapping at no charge to our customers.
c. We offer
complimentary gift wrapping to our customers.
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exercise
Edit for patterns of
wordiness
2. Delete redundant
categories
a. The table is round in shape,
smooth in texture, and heavy in weight.
a. The table is
round, smooth, and heavy.
b. The image is fuzzy in
appearance.
b. The image is
fuzzy.
c. Redundant categories can
leave your reader in a confused state of mind that is extreme
in degree and perplexing in nature.
c. Redundant
categories can leave your reader extremely confused and perplexed.
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exercise
3. Replace
redundant word pairs with single words
a. Various and sundry
alternatives were debated.
a. Various
alternatives were debated.
b. I demand a full and complete
explanation.
b. I demand a
complete explanation.
c. Each and every one of the
jury members voted “not guilty.”
c. Each jury member
voted “not guilty.”
Or
Every jury member voted “not guilty.”
Or (for emphasis)
Every one of the jury members voted “not guilty.”
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exercise
4. Replace
wordy expressions with single words
a. In the event that you arrive
late, use the side door.
a. If you arrive
late, use the side door.
b. Prior to coming to
First Trust, Kimberly worked at Waconia Savings and Loan.
b. Before coming to
First Trust, Kimberly worked at Waconia Savings and Loan.
c. Due to
the fact that the report is more than 10 pages long, the council cannot
help but feel overwhelmed by it.
c. Because the
report is more than 10 pages long, the council feels overwhelmed by it.
Or
The council feels overwhelmed by the 10-page report.
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exercise
5. Delete
“hollow” hedges and meaningless intensifiers
a. We are rather concerned about
your tardiness.
a. We are concerned
about your tardiness.
b. This effectively limits our
ability to respond quickly.
b. This limits our
ability to respond quickly.
c. Your description is
altogether fitting.
c. Your description
is fitting.
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exercise
6. Delete
needless repetition
a. Although I wrote the draft,
my friend Madeline helped me revise the draft.
a.
Although I wrote
the draft, my friend Madeline helped me revise it.
b. I called to tell her I would be late for dinner. Nevertheless, she was
unhappy
that I would be late for dinner.
b. I called to tell her I would be late for dinner. Nevertheless, she was
unhappy about it.
c. I don’t
like pickled pig’s feet. I never have liked pickled pig’s feet. I
never will like
pickled
pig’s feet. So please stop serving me pickled pig’s feet.
c.
I don’t like
pickled pig’s feet. I never have liked pickled pig’s feet. I never will like pickled pig’s feet. So please stop serving me pickled pig’s feet.
Note: Repetition, as used in this sentence, can create emphasis.
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exercise
7. Delete that for
brevity; retain that for clarity
I suggest that we pack our things, sell our snowshoes, and move to
Hawaii.
a. I suggest that we pack our things, sell our
snowshoes, and move to Hawaii.
a. I suggest we pack our things, sell our snowshoes, and move to
Hawaii.
b. She realized that, without that five-minute delay, she would not
have missed her plane.
b. She realized that, without that five-minute delay, she would not
have missed her plane.
Note: In a sentence with an aside, such as “without that five-minute
delay,” “that” serves to mark the interruption and help the reader
hold the thought.
c. She believed her boyfriend, who told her he was out with the boys,
was lying.
c. She believed that her boyfriend, who told her he was out with the
boys, was lying.
Note: Without "that," the sentence seems to be heading in one
direction then goes in another. "That" signals to the reader a verb is
on the way and the meaning will not be clear until it arrives.
This one is just for fun:
d. The challenge in offering a simple answer is that that that
that that question refers to is an unusually nimble, hard-working
word.
d. The challenge in offering a simple answer is that that that
that that question refers to is an unusually nimble, hard-working
word.
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exercise
Know how to start; know
when to stop
8. Avoid protracted
introductions
a. It is interesting to note
that our client base is growing steadily.
a. Our client base
is growing steadily.
b. For all intents and purposes,
we are losing money.
b. We are losing
money.
c. As a matter of fact, I’m concerned about the precipitous decline in visits to
our Web page.
c. I’m concerned
about the precipitous decline in visits to our Web page.
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exercise
9. Use It, There,
and What constructions carefully
a. There are four employees who
have filed grievances.
a. Four employees
have filed grievances.
b. It is my recommendation that
you purchase a faster modem.
b. I recommend you
purchase a faster modem.
c. What we need to do next is
simplify our sign-off procedure.
c. Next we need to
simplify our sign-off procedure.
Note: The original
version might be more appropriate for spoken communication,
because a
listener assimilates information more slowly than a reader.
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exercise
10. Trim
sentence endings for closing emphasis
a. Does it stink like rotten
meat would smell to you?
a.
Does it stink like rotten meat?
b. We need to eliminate the
production delays we are experiencing.
b. We need to
eliminate these production delays.
c. Every employee should respond
to complaints that our customers express.
c. Every employee
should respond to customer complaints.
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exercise
Take the most direct
route
11. Prefer action verbs to
nominalizations
a. My suggestion is that we make
an alteration in the length of the cloak.
a. I suggest we
alter the length of the cloak.
Or (to be more precise)
I suggest we shorten [or lengthen] the cloak.
b. If you make an attempt to steal the sorcerer’s stone, I will stand in
opposition to you.
b. If you try to
steal the sorcerer’s stone, I will oppose you.
c. Coordinate the interface of
eggs and vanilla.
c. Mix the eggs and
vanilla.
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exercise
12. Avoid
indirect negatives
a. I haven’t ever heard of that
rule.
a. I’ve never heard
of that rule.
Or (for emphasis)
Never have I heard of that rule.
b. I didn’t have any idea we
were losing money.
b. I had no idea we
were losing money.
c. The change in temperature was
not significant.
c. The change in
temperature was insignificant.
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exercise
13. Avoid
needless attribution
a. According to the old saying,
an empty sack cannot stand upright.
a. An empty sack
cannot stand upright.
b. As everyone knows, the bigger
you are, the harder you fall.
b. The bigger you
are, the harder you fall.
c. It has been determined that
wordiness obscures clarity.
c. Wordiness
obscures clarity.
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exercise
14. Limit
personal commentary
a. The main thing I want to say
is that haste makes waste.
a. Haste makes
waste.
b. To tell you the truth, I
doubt that owls would be reliable messengers.
b. I doubt that
owls would be reliable messengers.
c. A temporary dip in the stock market, it seems to me, does not mean we are
heading into a recession.
c. A temporary dip
in the stock market does not mean we are heading into a recession.
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